Ex-Bombs
Posted on January 15, 2008
Filed Under Communication, Ex Spouse Relationship |
I can’t think of any marriages that have ended on a sweet note when children are involved, although I am sure there are plenty of good examples out there. It’s best to realize early on that Problems will arise when Mom and Dad are not able to seperate personal from what really matters…. The children.
Good communication is not optional, but required, for the sake of the children. Good communication to me means being able to know exactly what items to discuss with your ex. Specifically I’ve made a little list of items that I call “Ex-Bombs”. They will explode in your face if not handled properly, either legally or emotionally.
- Anything that will effect how visitation is conducted. Be very clear about drop-off and pick-up times. Schedule weekend visitation changes well in advance and never be late or forget. Visitation also can include phone calls. It is a good idea to schedule a certain time and day to be considered as a regular call time, and even go so far as to have this be part of the visitation decree. A court ordered visitation schedule is considered a “default”. As long as everybody is getting along fine, you can be as flexible as you like.
- New Relationships: I’m talking about the significant others that you will be introducing your kids to. This is a touchy topic. Most dating ex spouses will wait too long to admit that they have a serious relationship blooming. It’s that whole privacy thing. If you are keeping the significant other away from your ex because he/she is jealous, that may not be reason enough. Rule of thumb: If he/she hears it from the kids first, that’s bad. If you find yourself telling the kids to not say anything, or to omit certain details, that’s even worse. Think about it.
- Moving. Address changes, phone number changes. These all fall under the category of common courtesy, and common sense. What if something happens to you? You have to let your ex know by law eventually. It’s that whole “eventually”, thing that causes friction. It’s best to let an ex know about address changes, etc., as soon as possible.
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I understand step parent issues. I've been a step parent, have a step parent, and I am married to a wonderful step parent.
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Good advice. I think I am motivated to remain married!